We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
