I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
