I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
