i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
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We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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