my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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