tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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