yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
