My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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