mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
