Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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