unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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