It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
