either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
