i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
