This is not my ceiling
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
