I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
