Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
