When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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