Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Boobs are out for the taking
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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