I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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