Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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