just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
