Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
