I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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