even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
