Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
