Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
