I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
