sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
