If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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