I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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