I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
