i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
