The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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