Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
