I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
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For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
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I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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