I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
