dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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