Four minutes until I can fart!
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
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