when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I woke up under a house in Key West
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