god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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