Got a toothbrush?
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
