'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
