I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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