Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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