He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
