Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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