i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
