Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
