I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
