he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Everclear isn't food dammit
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
