I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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