Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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