I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
