WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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