i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
