I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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