I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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