all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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