I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The power of my boobs compel you
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
