Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
